I couldn’t help but wonder

You know...

I’ve lost my sparkle. The days of being filled with an effortless joy have seemed to escape my body. I know it’s in there, just hidden away right now as I ponder all the things in my life.

I was talking to my mom today about someone I fell in love with. She asked me a question and the answer was I was scared. Scared to be truly myself. Scared to have heavy expectations suddenly placed so heavy on my shoulders. Why was I scared? Because I couldn’t do those things? No, that wasn’t it. I was scared of failing someone I cared so much about.

But then I got to thinking. Was I failing myself?

My mom pointed out to me how much I’ve progressed this year. And she was right.
I left a situation that stunted me for far too long. I’ve done something I never thought possible. Stand on my own two feet. And I feel proud of myself. Proud that I’m doing all that I can to support myself and my kids. I’m trying to do what is best for them. I feel proud that I’ve walked away from someone who was unkind to me, I feel proud I walked away from my past self, the girl who had zero self worth. I wasn’t sure I’d ever get it back. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever be myself again. All I cared about was getting my babies safe and in a happy environment.

I remember one night Jeremy had just slapped me. He was high, and being awful.
I ran in my kids room and locked the door. They sat on the edge of their beds and I burst into tears. In that moment I made a promise to them. I told them that soon we will move far away from this place. And we will live in a big beautiful house and the fighting would stop. I promised them they would never have to see/hear their father act this way again. I promised they would be safe and loved.  I told them we deserved so much more. I hugged them and slept in their room that night. Taking turns holding them. I was determined. I had made a promise.

A week later we moved to Utah and haven’t looked back since.

I’ve made a promise to myself and to them that one day I’ll make all of their dreams come true.  I look how far I’ve come. I have come so far, and I am proud of myself. I feel proud of the person I’m becoming in this painful process. It hasn’t been easy. Learning how to be an adult at the age of (31 at the time). Finances, learning to do it all on my own. It’s been wonderful. It’s been hard. I’ve had my major downs, I’ve had my up’s. I’ve had to learn a lot of things the hard way in the process.

I finally feel like I know who I am. I am strong, I’m a fighter. I don’t give up. And I do it for them. Always for them. They are my world, they make me want to be a better person for them.

Sure I’m not rich, and I have my flaws. But at least I know every day I’m working towards a better tomorrow, even if today is hard. And I’m lonely in the process of my self discovery. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. I like the person I’ve chosen to become. Even though I’ve lost my sparkle, I’ll get there soon. I can feel it bubbling at the surface, waiting to break free again. It’s so close, I can feel it. I’ve made a promise to myself, and to my kids. I love the people in my world too much to let them down.